In some crappy part of the craphole known as Mississippi, a lesbian student asked the school bigwigs if she could bring her girlfriend to the prom, while she wore a tuxedo. Being a group of sensible non-overreactors, the school promptly canceled the prom and ruined everything.
Mississippi: Stuck in 1948 . . . Since 1982!!!
* * * * *
In another delirious display of wackamoles gettin' wacky, a Christian group is demanding a boycott of Glenn Beck, because conservatives simply don't know what to think anymore. All they know is they don't like it! Keep on eating each other alive, you loonburgers!
* * * * *
Apparently, Tiger's coming back to play golf, or as ESPN calls the event, "saving the nation." After his guffaw-inducing press conference ("I. MUST. TRY. AND. BE. A. BETTER. CYBORG. TO. THE. INFANT-CREATURES"), Tiger has decided to hire Ari Fleischer to oversee his image rehab, a decision that thrills the hell out of me, because I love to laugh at bad decisions. Let's look at the images Ari Fleischer has helped rehabilitate over the last few years:
- George W. Bush during the most incompetent presidency of our lifetime;
- The BCS, the one thing people like less than Congress;
- Mark McGwire's recent steroids interview, which was so hilariously phony that nobody but residents of St. Louis bought it ("I used steroids to increase my strength, but rest assured, being able to hit the ball much farther doesn't lead to more home runs!")
Who was there to help make that airtight case for WMDs? Ari! Who's there to assure us that we don't really want to see a March Madness-type event for the most popular sport in the country? Ari! Who's there to pretend that Mark McGwire wasn't so jacked up on 'roids that he could have been classified as a centaur? Ari!
This information tells me one thing: Tiger Woods' judgment is actually getting worse. At least if golf doesn't work out, he can always run NBC.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
The Donkey Movie
Three days later, I finally decided to watch Au Hasard Balthazar, my second trip to Bresson-land, a place where no one smiles, and everything feels very deep, yet badly acted. If there's a word to describe Robert Bresson, I think it would be "fasci-noying." Throughout Au Hasard Balthazar, I was hypnotized by Bresson's technique, even though it drove me fucking crazy. The shots are carefully composed, and everything's very simple, even though I was kinda baffled.
During the opening credits, there's some tinkly piano music playing, and then it suddenly stops, and we hear a donkey whining for about 30 seconds. I laughed my balls off. Sorry, Bressy.
I'll give it this: I'll probably need to see it several more times to fully observe the themes of REDEMPTION and TRANSCENDENCE that wiser critics tell me is there. I'll also give it this: I don't think I wanna see the damn thing again.
Coming up next on the Bressonathon: Mouchette, which came out a year after Balthazar and is supposed to be twice as depressing. Terrific.
During the opening credits, there's some tinkly piano music playing, and then it suddenly stops, and we hear a donkey whining for about 30 seconds. I laughed my balls off. Sorry, Bressy.
I'll give it this: I'll probably need to see it several more times to fully observe the themes of REDEMPTION and TRANSCENDENCE that wiser critics tell me is there. I'll also give it this: I don't think I wanna see the damn thing again.
Coming up next on the Bressonathon: Mouchette, which came out a year after Balthazar and is supposed to be twice as depressing. Terrific.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Signs Of Rage
I still have yet to touch the donkey movie. I'm kinda dreading the donkey movie. Oh well. Soon.
I saw a couple of things today that made me hate stuff even more. For starters, I was walking downtown, where TPAC is showing a revival of acclaimed Nashville musician Roger Miller's Big River:
Rober - n. One who robes.
adj. To be more robe than someone else.
Thankfully, this sign was at an intersection so lots of people could see it. In Tennessee, when we're stupid, we showcase it!
I then went on the Internet (no stupidity there!) and saw this sign, which also made me weep blood;
Faaaaaaaaantastic.
So, here's my question: When I'm fed up with the insane stupidity going on here in my homeland, where do I go? Will I have to settle for Canada, or is there another place with lots of cool stuff? I'd hate to have to get rid of my Droid just as soon as I got it. I love this damn phone.
Anyway, we're doomed. Thank goodness Lost is tonight.
I saw a couple of things today that made me hate stuff even more. For starters, I was walking downtown, where TPAC is showing a revival of acclaimed Nashville musician Roger Miller's Big River:
Rober - n. One who robes.
adj. To be more robe than someone else.
Thankfully, this sign was at an intersection so lots of people could see it. In Tennessee, when we're stupid, we showcase it!
I then went on the Internet (no stupidity there!) and saw this sign, which also made me weep blood;
Faaaaaaaaantastic.
So, here's my question: When I'm fed up with the insane stupidity going on here in my homeland, where do I go? Will I have to settle for Canada, or is there another place with lots of cool stuff? I'd hate to have to get rid of my Droid just as soon as I got it. I love this damn phone.
Anyway, we're doomed. Thank goodness Lost is tonight.
Monday, March 8, 2010
More Oscar Thoughts
I thought of some other stuff to say (First batch of thoughts here):
- Precious was honored for being a breakthrough in African-American cinema. Precious features a scene where the sad, impoverished, HIV-stricken teenager with two babies from her dad (one of which is retarded), is sad, so she runs down the street, crying and eating a bucket of fried chicken to escape the horrible abuse of her greedy, system-abusing, illiterate Welfare mom. In Hollywood, this is called "Racial Progress."
- The Twilight Fucks got to present on stage. Roger Corman and Lauren Bacall were politely acknowledged from the crowd for their lifetime achievements. Only the old, tired deluded stooges in Hollywood would actively recoil at showing appreciation for their own because they were too old.
- The Short Doc award, in which the crazy old lady producer interrupted the director, was excruciating to watch. That chick deserved a punch in the tits, credit controversy be damned.
- I've read a handful of folks, including Roger Ebert, that Farrah Fawcett being left out of the "In Memoriam" part was some sort of travesty-based outrage of a sham-mockery. Why? She's most known as 2 things:
1) Charlie's Angel;
2) Ryan O' Neal's Doormat.
The real travesty of the segment was James Taylor performing the worst Beatles remake I've ever heard. He absolutely murdered "In My Life," rendering a classic song totally unlistenable. Farrah may not have been mentioned, but James Taylor's performance helped to remind everyone of ass cancer.
- I wonder how the family of Lou Jacobi feels now that he was memorialized for all time as the prancing cross-dresser in Woody Allen's Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Sex, But Were Afraid To Ask.
- My favorite moment was when Michael Giacchino was honored for his score to Up. He also does the score for Lost, and he's absolutely amazing. Good job, dude.
- Few people have mentioned Cameron Diaz's teleprompter freakout during her little thing with Steve Carell. I thought she was quick and fun and had underrated comedic timing? Oh wait, I never thought that, but her publicists insist this is true. Unfortunately, after she accidentally called Steve Carell "Jude," she covered up her mistake with this sterling bon mots:
ALL HAIL THE REIGNING QUEEN OF IMPROV!
- Precious was honored for being a breakthrough in African-American cinema. Precious features a scene where the sad, impoverished, HIV-stricken teenager with two babies from her dad (one of which is retarded), is sad, so she runs down the street, crying and eating a bucket of fried chicken to escape the horrible abuse of her greedy, system-abusing, illiterate Welfare mom. In Hollywood, this is called "Racial Progress."
- The Twilight Fucks got to present on stage. Roger Corman and Lauren Bacall were politely acknowledged from the crowd for their lifetime achievements. Only the old, tired deluded stooges in Hollywood would actively recoil at showing appreciation for their own because they were too old.
- The Short Doc award, in which the crazy old lady producer interrupted the director, was excruciating to watch. That chick deserved a punch in the tits, credit controversy be damned.
- I've read a handful of folks, including Roger Ebert, that Farrah Fawcett being left out of the "In Memoriam" part was some sort of travesty-based outrage of a sham-mockery. Why? She's most known as 2 things:
1) Charlie's Angel;
2) Ryan O' Neal's Doormat.
The real travesty of the segment was James Taylor performing the worst Beatles remake I've ever heard. He absolutely murdered "In My Life," rendering a classic song totally unlistenable. Farrah may not have been mentioned, but James Taylor's performance helped to remind everyone of ass cancer.
- I wonder how the family of Lou Jacobi feels now that he was memorialized for all time as the prancing cross-dresser in Woody Allen's Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Sex, But Were Afraid To Ask.
- My favorite moment was when Michael Giacchino was honored for his score to Up. He also does the score for Lost, and he's absolutely amazing. Good job, dude.
- Few people have mentioned Cameron Diaz's teleprompter freakout during her little thing with Steve Carell. I thought she was quick and fun and had underrated comedic timing? Oh wait, I never thought that, but her publicists insist this is true. Unfortunately, after she accidentally called Steve Carell "Jude," she covered up her mistake with this sterling bon mots:
Uh, er, not Jude Law, uh, teleprompter, uh derrrrrrrrrr
ALL HAIL THE REIGNING QUEEN OF IMPROV!
Why Is Ben Roethlisberger So Rapey?
So Ben-Rot is in trouble with authorities again, due to his usual rapey shenanigans. He's now assaulting young coeds in small Georgia towns, which should tell you how fugly the chicks are in Pittsburgh: The guy would rather sexually assault chicks in Deliverance Country than fondle the various hoagie-eating hosebeasts that pollute the Three Rivers.
This isn't the first time Ben's penis has had a run-in with the outside of a girl's clothes; he was accused of rape-esque behavior just last year, and while that one eventually went away, this one looks like it might stick around a while. Rape me twice, shame on me, amiright?
As the Academy Awards taught me Sunday night, nowadays, women have value. All women, even the pretty ones (!), can make action movies and hold jobs and all that stuff. I'm as shocked as the Academy at these developments. I'm guessing Ben didn't watch the Academy Awards, because there wasn't a category called "Best Fuckin' Tits, BRA!", and that's too bad. If he had, he could maybe join the Academy in the mid-60s, and take a break from being a caveman dipshit.
Pittsburgh, being a city of social champions, has banded together to harass and insult the victim, because Pittsburgh is filled with a bunch of idiots. I think it's great that an entire city is rallying to defend a guy for the incredibly stupid decisions that he himself made. I remember being skeeved out by college bars while I was still in college; If I were to become a millionaire pro athlete that was beloved by a cityof mouth-breathing buffoons, I would encourage the college-age girls to come to me, since, you know, I'M A FREAKIN' MILLIONAIRE. Ugh, so stupid.
So, where does Ben go from here? Will he wise up? Seeing as how morons never, EVER change, I'll go with no. The real question: Will Ben be suspended for a while so I can laugh and laugh at the obnoxious Steelers fans that I work with? God, I hope so, and really, when you think about this case, my petty feelings are what's most important.
Go Browns. Suck it, Rapey.
This isn't the first time Ben's penis has had a run-in with the outside of a girl's clothes; he was accused of rape-esque behavior just last year, and while that one eventually went away, this one looks like it might stick around a while. Rape me twice, shame on me, amiright?
As the Academy Awards taught me Sunday night, nowadays, women have value. All women, even the pretty ones (!), can make action movies and hold jobs and all that stuff. I'm as shocked as the Academy at these developments. I'm guessing Ben didn't watch the Academy Awards, because there wasn't a category called "Best Fuckin' Tits, BRA!", and that's too bad. If he had, he could maybe join the Academy in the mid-60s, and take a break from being a caveman dipshit.
Pittsburgh, being a city of social champions, has banded together to harass and insult the victim, because Pittsburgh is filled with a bunch of idiots. I think it's great that an entire city is rallying to defend a guy for the incredibly stupid decisions that he himself made. I remember being skeeved out by college bars while I was still in college; If I were to become a millionaire pro athlete that was beloved by a city
So, where does Ben go from here? Will he wise up? Seeing as how morons never, EVER change, I'll go with no. The real question: Will Ben be suspended for a while so I can laugh and laugh at the obnoxious Steelers fans that I work with? God, I hope so, and really, when you think about this case, my petty feelings are what's most important.
Go Browns. Suck it, Rapey.
This Baloney Has A First Name
Last night's Oscar telecast was uniquely terrible. Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin had no discernible chemistry whatsoever. You could tell that both of them wished they were the only host. There's something wrong when Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin aren't making me laugh. That something? Probably Bruce Vilanch.
Last night's show was classic Hollywood, filled with those moments where Hollywood showcases how progressive they are, and inadvertently reveal that they are neanderthals. I love when they say stuff like "Hey, women can do things too!" and "Hey look, there's a black person here and we are working hard to not keep an eye on our purses!" Hollywood thinks it's awesome because their modern attitudes have finally caught up to 1966. Thanks, dicks.
I was hoping Steve Martin would come out with a boom box and an Arsenio Hall haircut, providing a humourous rap while a Fat Boys-clad Alec Baldwin provided human beat box. Of course, that would have been appropriate for the early 80s . . . about 25 years ahead of where the Oscars are currently at.
Mo'Nique bravely won an award for her brave portrayal of something brave or some crap. I loved her speech: "SOMETIMES IT'S ABOUT A PERFORMANCE, NOT POLITICS!" then everybody clapped like they knew what she was talking about. As I recall, Mo'Nique was the ONLY pick for this award as far back as last spring. I'd call her delusional, but that's . . . I dunno, wrong or some crap? Anyway, Melanie Laurent deserved it more, but she wasn't even nominated, so, der.
I also liked Tyler Perry going up there and saying "this is the only time I'll be on the Oscars!" then everybody laughed because AW POOR TYLER PERRY. As I recall, Tyler is the richest African-American male entertainer in the country, whose influence on culture is reaching Oprah-esque levels as he approaches the rank of "billionaire." Yeah, hopefully life will someday be fair for Tyler Perry. I love that the folks behind Precious are just as deluded and stupid as Old White Hollywood. They should replace the Hollywood sign with a gigantic ass that people can stick their heads in.
(During her tribute dealie to Gabby Sidibe, Oprah told Gabby that her fairy tale came true, and that she'll now be getting lots of work in Hollywood. There's a fine line between fairy tales and total bullshit lies, Ope. Not cool.)
The Academy told Kathryn Bigelow that they, in fact, considered her to be people, even though she was cursed with a vijay-jay. She was blessed by Lady Barbra of Streisand, who officially ordained her as "a woman." The orchestra also played "I Am Woman" as Kathryn went up on stage, because Hollywood is one big condescending retard. I'll give Kathryn this though: She's the most bangable 60 year old I think I've ever seen. Oh, and I appreciate her art or craft or whatever.
Avatar won Best Cinematography. I personally think cinematography awards should be given to a person that uses a camera, in combination with light, to create beautiful images. Apparently, though, if you can make shit up in a box, that's just as good. If we're going to be honoring computers, shouldn't Pixar have won every Oscar for the last 15 years or so?
Academy Award Winning Actress Sandra Bullock. HAHAHAHA Ohhhh mercy. The Academy basically said, "You're not a mean bitch, and you make us money, so here, have a statue." Might as well link to this.
Ben Stiller did a thing.
I liked the British chick who went up and said, "Pfft, I already have two of these already." I was hoping she would expose her crotch and scream "EAT THIS LOSERS," but I guess the damage was done.
The worst moment of the night: When the FX nerd went up and held his Oscar aloft and said "JAMES CAMERON! I SEE YOUUUU!" I like to think that he spent hours thinking about that moment, knowing that it was gonna be awesome. Oh, Nerds.
The Dead-Eyed Twat from Twilight and the Dead-Eyed Twat With A Penis from Twilight intro'd a montage to horror films, because they're young and that's what the kids like. Sure, the only thing scary about Twilight are its fans, but so what? They've got fangs or whatever, so close enough!
I've never been pooped on, but last night's Oscar telecast gave me an idea of what it might be like. I don't think I'd like it.
Last night's show was classic Hollywood, filled with those moments where Hollywood showcases how progressive they are, and inadvertently reveal that they are neanderthals. I love when they say stuff like "Hey, women can do things too!" and "Hey look, there's a black person here and we are working hard to not keep an eye on our purses!" Hollywood thinks it's awesome because their modern attitudes have finally caught up to 1966. Thanks, dicks.
I was hoping Steve Martin would come out with a boom box and an Arsenio Hall haircut, providing a humourous rap while a Fat Boys-clad Alec Baldwin provided human beat box. Of course, that would have been appropriate for the early 80s . . . about 25 years ahead of where the Oscars are currently at.
Mo'Nique bravely won an award for her brave portrayal of something brave or some crap. I loved her speech: "SOMETIMES IT'S ABOUT A PERFORMANCE, NOT POLITICS!" then everybody clapped like they knew what she was talking about. As I recall, Mo'Nique was the ONLY pick for this award as far back as last spring. I'd call her delusional, but that's . . . I dunno, wrong or some crap? Anyway, Melanie Laurent deserved it more, but she wasn't even nominated, so, der.
I also liked Tyler Perry going up there and saying "this is the only time I'll be on the Oscars!" then everybody laughed because AW POOR TYLER PERRY. As I recall, Tyler is the richest African-American male entertainer in the country, whose influence on culture is reaching Oprah-esque levels as he approaches the rank of "billionaire." Yeah, hopefully life will someday be fair for Tyler Perry. I love that the folks behind Precious are just as deluded and stupid as Old White Hollywood. They should replace the Hollywood sign with a gigantic ass that people can stick their heads in.
(During her tribute dealie to Gabby Sidibe, Oprah told Gabby that her fairy tale came true, and that she'll now be getting lots of work in Hollywood. There's a fine line between fairy tales and total bullshit lies, Ope. Not cool.)
The Academy told Kathryn Bigelow that they, in fact, considered her to be people, even though she was cursed with a vijay-jay. She was blessed by Lady Barbra of Streisand, who officially ordained her as "a woman." The orchestra also played "I Am Woman" as Kathryn went up on stage, because Hollywood is one big condescending retard. I'll give Kathryn this though: She's the most bangable 60 year old I think I've ever seen. Oh, and I appreciate her art or craft or whatever.
Avatar won Best Cinematography. I personally think cinematography awards should be given to a person that uses a camera, in combination with light, to create beautiful images. Apparently, though, if you can make shit up in a box, that's just as good. If we're going to be honoring computers, shouldn't Pixar have won every Oscar for the last 15 years or so?
Academy Award Winning Actress Sandra Bullock. HAHAHAHA Ohhhh mercy. The Academy basically said, "You're not a mean bitch, and you make us money, so here, have a statue." Might as well link to this.
Ben Stiller did a thing.
I liked the British chick who went up and said, "Pfft, I already have two of these already." I was hoping she would expose her crotch and scream "EAT THIS LOSERS," but I guess the damage was done.
The worst moment of the night: When the FX nerd went up and held his Oscar aloft and said "JAMES CAMERON! I SEE YOUUUU!" I like to think that he spent hours thinking about that moment, knowing that it was gonna be awesome. Oh, Nerds.
The Dead-Eyed Twat from Twilight and the Dead-Eyed Twat With A Penis from Twilight intro'd a montage to horror films, because they're young and that's what the kids like. Sure, the only thing scary about Twilight are its fans, but so what? They've got fangs or whatever, so close enough!
I've never been pooped on, but last night's Oscar telecast gave me an idea of what it might be like. I don't think I'd like it.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
"Bug"
The donkey movie came yesterday. I still haven't watched it. However, according to Sean Parrott:
OH MAN I CAN'T WAIT!
Rather than take on a soul-crushing tale of salvation, I decided to watch something light. So I watched William Friedkin's Bug, about an unstable woman whose driven to insanity by a homeless shizo Army vet. It's a nonstop laff riot.
Bug is based on a play that starred Michael Shannon, an awesome actor who reminds me of Christopher Walken before Walken became a parody. He reprises his role here, and he's awesome as a guy who thinks he has bugs living under his skin. The unstable woman is played by Ashley Judd, who delivers one of her best performances, which might be the faintest praise ever. I don't want to give away too much, because you should see it for yourself. Bug may not be for all tastes, but I thought it was pretty incredible, a descent into madness that only gets more insane as it goes. If you enjoy watching people lose their mind, you'll love it.
Bug (Special Edition)
I thought Au Hazard Balthazar was a long, boring, pretentious pile of crap. And I usually like long, boring, pretentious piles of crap
OH MAN I CAN'T WAIT!
Rather than take on a soul-crushing tale of salvation, I decided to watch something light. So I watched William Friedkin's Bug, about an unstable woman whose driven to insanity by a homeless shizo Army vet. It's a nonstop laff riot.
Bug is based on a play that starred Michael Shannon, an awesome actor who reminds me of Christopher Walken before Walken became a parody. He reprises his role here, and he's awesome as a guy who thinks he has bugs living under his skin. The unstable woman is played by Ashley Judd, who delivers one of her best performances, which might be the faintest praise ever. I don't want to give away too much, because you should see it for yourself. Bug may not be for all tastes, but I thought it was pretty incredible, a descent into madness that only gets more insane as it goes. If you enjoy watching people lose their mind, you'll love it.
Bug (Special Edition)
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