7:03 - Tim Gunn calls Justin Timberlake a "color theorist." I just realized that this is completely idiotic.
7:06 - Sandra Bullock getting a hug from some no-name red carpet lady.This is awful. I'm going for a walk.
7:15 - A good walk. Came in just in time to see....somebody talking about...something. There was a montage. The wife has it on mute. Oh look, there's a commercial for Britney Spears. I'm going for another walk.
7:23 - Ah, a fond look back at the excruciatingly annoying antics of Roberto Benigni.
7:28 - What kind of jackass family feeds Captain D's to their baby?
7:25 - Halle Berry is here to pay tribute to Lena Horne, who blazed the trail for other African-American actresses. She just called herself a "slave for fashion." I bet she'd like a do-over.
7:31 - MONTAGE! Even "Kids Are Alright" seems awesome in 2-second spurts.
7:37 - The opening makes it clear: This is gonna be a long-ass night.
7:41 - Set me on fire.
7:44 - Art Direction goes to... Alice In Wonderland. Fun factoid: Alice in Wonderland was terrible. The winner is painfully nervous. It reminds me of when I auditioned for Last Comic Standing. Flopsweat-tacular.
7:47 - Cinematography goes to ... Inception! Good, I loved that movie. Would have liked to have seen Deakins win for True Grit, but oh well.
7:51 - James Franco was less stoned in Pineapple Express.
7:53 - Now let's all pretend this Kirk Douglas segment isn't brutally awkward.
7:55 - Time for Best Supporting Actress. I watched Animal Kingdom last night, and why Jacky Weaver was nominated is beyond me. Kirk Douglas is making me fidget. So brutally awkward. This is torture. He finally announces the winner: Melissa Leo, whose managed to morph into one of the most irritating human beings on the planet in the past few months. I'm going for a walk during her speech.
8:04 - Apparently, Leo cursed during her speech. Oh, I'm sorry, I mean she DROPPED AN F-BOMB WHOAAAAAAA
8:05 - Some short cartoon won a thing. Best Animated Film: Toy Story 3. Probably the worst Toy Story film, but oh well.
8:13 - Why are Brolin and Bardem wearing white suits?
8:14 - Best Adapted Screenplay goes tooooo....Aaron Sorkin, The Social Network. Who's surprised? No one? K. Is there anything more soul-crushing than listening to people thank their management?
8:16 - GET OFF THE STAGE SORKINNNNN!!!!!!!!!
8:19 - Best Original Screenplay: The King's Speech. Probably because it was so super-original and unlike every Oscar-nominated British film from the last 30 years. Ugh. (Shoulda won - Inception. You know it, I know it, and the American people know it.)
8:19 - The writer thanked "all the stutterers of the world." B-b-b-b-b-b-b-back atcha, pal.
8:24 - Anne Hathaway does a musical number. I'm gonna go stand in the kitchen.
8:28 - And the Best Foreign Film goes to Some Danish Flick. Mmmm...danish.
8:29 - Beloved Person-Bot Reese Witherspoon gives the Best Supporting Actor award to...Christian Bale. I typed that and it hasn't been announced yet. Annnd I was right.
8:34 - My dog is shivering, which is usually a sign that a storm is on the way. I would be completely fine with a power outage at this point.
8:42 - Zoned out. Apparently Best Score is up now. Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross, Social Network. Another winner everyone knew would win. It's really weird to see Trent Reznor in a tux.
8:46 - Scarlet Johansson looks like she cut her hair with a butter knife. Best Sound Design goes to...Inception. All together now: BONNNNNNNGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!
8:49 - Sound Editing: Inception. An announcement as riveting as that last sentence.
8:52 - Celine Dion? Oh, shut up.
8:54 - Science and Technical Awards. I'm gonna go shave my toes.
8:57 - Alice in Wonderland now has two Oscars. I think people complaining about this show's irrelevance owes the Academy a deep apology.
9:03 - Randy Newman! GO GODFATHER GO!
9:14 - The categories for Besr Short are going on now. Still no power outage. Losing hope.
9:17 - Good speech, Goofy Guy.
9:20 - Oprah descends from the heavens to announce the Best Documentary winner: Inside Job. I still haven't seen that yet. Ferguson calls out the crooks that need to be brought to justice. The audience of corporate executives applaud vociferously. Oprah then ascends through the roof, bathed in light.
9:27 - Anne Hathaway introduces Billy Crystal, and the crowd goes nuts because he's not Anne Hathaway.
9:30 - CGI Bob Hope needs to play the Penguin in the next Batman movie.
9:33 - Best Shiny Stuff: Inception. My wife is yelling 'WE WON FOUR! WE WON FOUR!" We like Inception.
9:35 - Best Editing: The Social Network. Can't complain, the editing was excellent. Still not much of a surprise. This is so dull it hurts. Coming up next: Gwyneth Paltrow to sing her crappy song. I'm going to go count the dog turds in the front yard.
9:38 - Just realized that Inception, the most editing-intensive, timeline-twisting film of the year, wasn't even nominated. Oscar, you make my face hurt.
9:42 - Why is James Franco doing whatever the hell he's doing?
9:50 - The songs happened. Yippity-dip.
9:52 - Celine Dion singing "Smile" during the In Memoriam montage. This same song was sung at a funeral I recently went to.So that's fuckin' freaky.
10:02 - Best Director up next. World's Hottest Grandma Katherine Bigelow up to present the winner, the dude that did The King's Speech. Oh brother. Christopher Nolan? Not even nominated.
10:05 - So, this means that The King's Speech is going to win Best Picture, and Firth will get Best Actor. Actress? I'll go with Portman. I don't know. I don't care. A crappy year of film ending in the most crapulent way imaginable. I'm off to get a snack. Later.
1 comments:
I was scared that writer was going to have a heart attack. He looked awful.
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