The Goofballs of Comedy

I performed standup comedy from 2001 to 2009, traveling the South and Midwest telling my jokey-jokes in between my day job. My last gig was a filmed spot for Comcast in Indiana, and afterwards, my car ended up dying as I pulled into my driveway. I took this as a sign to quit.

I enjoyed comedy for a time, but after a while the joy it brought me was overshadowed by the crap. One thing traveling comics rarely talk about is that 90 percent of our country's population consists of short-sighted, narcissistic dim bulbs. For some entertainers, this is a license to print money, but I just wanted all of them to drop off a cliff, and I couldn't really hide my unhappiness while I was on stage. Throw in the fact that the Nashville comedy scene became Total Ass Cancer after a decent multi-year run, and I had no desire to perform anymore.

However, for a time people still asked me for advice. None of this advice was listened to, and most of it was considered "mean." After years of scary criticism, Nashville's mirth-makers decided to strike out on their own, listening only to the white noise in their heads. Soon, Nashville no longer had a comedy "scene" so much as it had a support group for awkward, uninteresting dipshits, who viewed basic self-awareness as a form of "hate" and assumed that the people trying to give them advice were just jealous of their non-existent potential.

Recently, this "let's all pretend we're special" philosophy reached its zenith with the formation of NashComedy.com, a new comedy website dedicated to Davidson County's loudest go-getters. NashComedy.com is an attempt to replace NashvilleStandup.com, a site created by Chad Riden that, over time has built a good relationship with Zanies, sponsored shows, and helped people with clues. Chad has busted his ass to try and cultivate an active comedy environment in Nashville. This hasn't gone over well with the hacky shitmeisters at NashComedy.com, who have trouble getting the respect they "deserve" from comedy clubs, message boards, and other places with thoughtful opinions. But don't you worry, they have big shows in town every 4 months or so, which means they're successful!

(You know how Louis CK became famous by performing at the same place 3 times a year? THIS IS JUST LIKE THAT!)

NashComedy.com's website is a gem, a playground of delusion that is magical to behold. Check out this quote from a blog by one of their experienced comedy analysts:

Needless to say, he was willing to cancel the show after he promoted it if I didn’t follow suit and as a business person I didn’t want to lose out on the situation. But what really upset me was the fact that he didn’t have confidence in me to perform my jokes as is and show him that I was able to do certain material and not offend the audience. I felt he was belittling my art form. I did the show. 30 minutes no AID’s references which for me was a huge challenge to begin with but I felt like I lost a little bit of my art form.

First of all, you'd think a guy so obsessed with AIDS would know how to spell it. Second, can you believe the nerve of this dumbfuck? I've seen this bullshit so many times online and in person, in which the newbie (who usually hides their idiocy by calling themselves a "business person") complains because the management doesn't appreciate their special, magical gift."I mean, gosh, if the owner won't let me do what I want, what am I supposed to do? Write more and create varied content for each situation, thereby expanding my skill set and, you know, learning stuff and being an actual working stand-up comic? BUT I WANNA RECITE MY HALF-HOUR OF AIDS JOKES!"

NashComedy.com is filled with this kind of valuable "wisdom," in which clueless buffoons think they're teaching their readers about life. The creme de la creme of NashComedy.com's output so far is "Stand-Up: Three Fundamentals," written by Scott Neese, a guy I've met a few times. I would describe Scott this way: He is what would happen if a clammy handshake turned into a person. He's not exactly a fireball of charisma, if'n ya know what I think ya know and ya know that I do.

Scott's three fundamentals of comedy are:

1) Be funny
2) Work hard
3) Network!!!

The first step neatly sums up the cluelessness of the good people at NashComedy.com, who believe that everyone is magically imbued with comedic talent, and will succeed as long as they have enough buddies supporting them and telling them they're great. Ah, so you're telling me I should "be funny" as a comic? THANKS, PROFESSOR!

If anything, these steps aren't fundamental enough. I happen to have some of my own:

1) Have a mouth - Before you go onstage to tell jokes, make sure that you're able to form words! I'm not trying to be judgmental, but odds are this guy won't do well at comedy. Before you go on stage, be sure to look at your face in the mirror. If there isn't a mouth there, you may be in for a tough set!

2) Be a human life form - There's a reason that you hardly ever see lizards or ghosts perform stand-up comedy. It's hard for them to relate to human beings. I recall reading a blog from a lizard who was told by management to try and tell some human jokes. I felt so bad for that lizard, because those humans were limiting his art form. (HA, Peter Depp, you're such an awful douche.)

3) Exist!!! - I'm not trying to put down phantoms or the Loch Ness Monster, but you really need to be an actual thing in order to be a good comic.

What a bunch of assholes.